RSA (Continuation of more whining)

I'm like a train. a train that whines all the time... a series of whining and complaining. That makes me feel better??? TO a certain extent yes. Whole night i have been doing very little programming.
I can say very much is not my own programming and functions from elsewhere.
I cant compile so i duno whether it will work or not. Very sad about it
I am the burden of the whole group. They all can do things so fast. get good grades while i am just the slow lazy me.
Reality sux. Thats probably why some ppl have split personality or have their "Dream world".
Is there one for me as well ?? As we grow older, we no longer have dreams and fantasy. No big hope and dreams about what we can achieve in life. In return, we think about how to make more money an survive in this cruel world. Dont even think about what you want to be or do. Unless u started from young or the first step like in poly or something and progress from there.
I am lost. i dont know what is my next step. My program cant run cos it cant compile. I dont know how to solve that bug. OMG !!!
I'm doomed. Tomorrow perhaps there is another meeting for group. and i think i cant complete what i am suppose to have done.
I promised JR that i will finish my RSA by thursday and its wednesday right now. 3.33pm.
I have 22 hours more i think ?? 22-10 hrs = 12 hrs to work on my RSA.
Not going anywhere also. Staying home to get fat.
My tummy is going to explode.. LOL. Months and years of fats.. y cant i slim down..
Do i have to go for extreme measures to slim down ?? i dont wana be fat and short. and ugly.

Acne scarred face, short, curly hair, fat, stupid, blur, lazy <<< I DONT WANA BE ASSOCIATED with those terms. I want to be different.

Seeing Nigel's blog, he is still lost. Lost his direction for love and searching for that particular girl. Once i was like that too.. Heartbroken, miss her alot, going mad, thinking too much. Thats love.
Cant really advise him but just hope he pull through soon enough. Good luck !

Rot at home

time now on the clock is 4.37am on tuesday morning.
Just wana summarize what i have been doing past few days.
Friday night went drinking with shah(bday boy), nick, gin, rin, pk.
Went to punggol marina.. quite a ok place only... would have preferred boat quay instead.. at least going back is easier. Wasnt that fun.. only saw ppl getting drunk and didnt sleep much before going out on saturday morning to have group meeting.
Group meeting was fine. JR didnt present my part. but its ok..its not really complete. no point presenting. He gave me new job to do .. work on RSA.
RSA to them seems simple but...it isnt to me.. not exactly an easy job to do .. Trying my best here.
Sat night went for Toapayoh Fortunate restaurant to eat. Nth fancy and nothing happened. Boring.
Sunday was good. Went ktv with nigel, belle and gang. Just a disappintment when the money prob started. Glad to see Joe(the pro). He really sings well.. wonder when i can learn a tip or 2 from him.

JR, CY are good ppl. they asked me how my RSA had gone.. though i am still doubtful, i dont quite know how to begin even..LOL.. Their regards pushed me to work for it..
Monday was a rotting day at home.. Could have went for a hair cut.. but lazy and felt i am poor so just couldnt be bothered. REALLY ROTTED whole afternoon.. only touched the codes a little.. getting started and figuring out the flow..
Talked to ken about his Elgamal and see if i could use anything and get moving. It proved useful and triggered a series of thought.
In a few hours time i am going to meet up with the rest of the members. I hate this. I hate to nor produce something and see them all doing good. i wana do good too.. Perhaps its my laziness working again.
Goonzu i'm just rotting. Nothing happened except i got a HG flame shoes +9 and sold it for 250mil. Earned quite a bit but will spend it on a normal flame shoes anyway .. so not much gain.
Hunted for a pirate cape so i can use when mine expires. Thats about it so far.

Shall continue to work on my RSA( Ron Rivest, Adi Shamir, and Leonard Adleman at MIT)
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ?? dont ask me. Just some nonesens i have to do.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RSA <<< read it yourself.

Another thing. I really wana learn to control my voice and sing better. at least sound normal or good in most songs.. I sound really bad.. like killing chickens still..

Too Slack

I have been slacking too much...
Today i almost did nothing... Feel like a worthless person. Woke up at 1(cos i sleep at 6). tried to do abit of my project but for no reason, just cant focus and end up doing nothing.
Been watching shows after shows i dl.
UNTIL.... my mom ask me to pick up some rambutans from my aunt downstairs in 5 mins.
I seriously thought that was just a rough timing and my aunt will call when she comes..
So i waited.. in front of the com.. until the call comes...
My mom got so angry at me she started scolding me .. saying i didnt wait downstairs...
But WTH, whats the point of communication when we dont use it. Why wait downstairs when a phone call is so easy.
Her point was that i took my own sweet time and said " how are you going to work next time like ths? this is the 2nd time u did that". that sounds so offensive and i dont see why we are argueing over such mundane issue. Its just stupid and doesnt prove any point.
But reflecting on myself, i do admit that i am too much of a slacker after army...
Looks like army taught me a lot. including mindset about lookin at everything.

I know i must buck up ... even my project i am struggling and all. but where is the determination and perservance. I'm LOST.

Tomorrow we meeting supervisor already and i am not exactly done with my part of the project.. its just simple caesar cipher and its so complicated. Though i learnt java all 3 years in poly. I dont really understand fully and didnt go into depth about it. I am just a noob whom want to escape from programming. But fate brings me back to it everytime i want to escape.

I wonder, am i useless? what does my existence mean to this world? Am I going to achieve something ? or live a better life than i wanted ? what am i going to do after graduation.
Uni is the point where i drop out of school. To go for masters or higher just isnt me. I dont have that resolve like i used to have. I just want to not think. I'm naive and simple person.
The world complicates me.

FYP. I am screwed up.

What a strange time. After half a year of not posting anything.. and years of not writing anything inside my blog.. I found myself coming back to this blog again.
why ??
i think a blog is really the place where i can rely on .. to talk about my worries. happiness and sadness...
Blog wont abandon me as long as i remember the id.

Over the past 9 months. I ORD... and started a new phase of life..

new phase of life means new lifestyle.
I realised that i am more of a slacker.. wanting to not do anythin more than ever.
Is that what army have taught me ??

I see myself passing exams but of bad grades...I know and see the importance of having good grades and knowing what i am doing.
I did learn a great deal of things from this degree ...
esp friends whom are very good and always help me.

Now i am doing my final year project and its very difficult for me ..
Though i learnt OO programming, my basics doesnt take me that far.
I dont make it so complicated.
Often on bus i would think of my dearest blog. Whether this is an abandoned place i should come back, but it nvr took off. No thoughts no action.
Finally i got this chance ... and this action.

I decided to work harder ...