壞人

歌名：壞人 (牽牛花開的日子 片尾)

演唱者：方炯鑌

詞曲：阿鑌

那 一扇車門 關出 我們的裂痕
一聲就震斷了回頭的路程

愛 無法均分 以後 就留給你們
也許用傷害結束 愛才更動人

容忍的人其實並不笨 只是寧可對自己殘忍
既然愛不能恆溫 祝福就給你下一個人

你是好人 也是個壞人
對我坦誠 只為了朝他狂奔
不能放任 所以放了
這點痛我還能忍

我是好人 也是個壞人
分得夠狠 你才有藉口轉身
寧願愛 一點不剩
也不忍 看戀人愛成路人

容忍的人其實並不笨 只是寧可對自己殘忍
既然愛不能恆溫 祝福就給你下一個人

你是好人 也是個壞人
對我坦誠 只為了朝他狂奔
不能放任 所以放了
這點痛我還能忍

我是好人 也是個壞人
分得夠狠 你才有藉口轉身
寧願愛 一點不剩
也不忍 看戀人愛成路人

三個人從不對等 總有個人必須犧牲
那永恆 就等他帶你完成

你是好人 也是個壞人
對我坦誠 只為了朝他狂奔
不能放任 所以放了
這點痛我還能忍

我是好人 也是個壞人
分得夠狠 你才有藉口轉身
寧願愛 一點不剩
也不忍 看戀人愛成路人

寧願愛 一點不剩
也不忍 看戀人愛成 路人

Moving Forward

After vomitting everything out, I didnt feel much better. Last night i even woke up at 3+ just to check on facebook. I couldnt sleep well. My heart hurts and I dont want to make her cry.
But deep down, I know its not possible. Things have accumulated in me and I had to vent it out.

Today I wore the ring the entire day since i woke up. I'm not trying to prove anything but its just to remind me of the r/s and the love i have for her.

Even though its been just 13 months, its the longest r/s i had. I cried so hard for her the last time at CMPB and right now i'm about to break into tears just typing this.

I have alot of work today but i am typing here. I'm crazy.

She said i'm taking things for granted. I haven enjoyed any benefit and thats called enjoying benefit ? Sending her to work should be a polite move, not a compulsary move.
I know i dont own a bike or van her exs does. I cant stand by her all the time but i spend all my free time on her.
I dont have much money but end of the month i'm always negative cos i spend it on us.

Heartfelt emotions

Many friends say my love is tough. I had a demanding gf. I know i love her too much to leave her.. This time I know i purposely lied about going meet them up. BUT.. its to meet friends.. not to have a fling or have sex with another girl.. In my mind, all i thought about was ANGER and i needed to drink so much that it could make me drunk..
Morning when she woke up she was cold to me already. I know its because i didnt send her to work. The last time i did that, she complained that i left her to go work herself and i didnt care about her. How could i not care about her. I noticed that from 1 glance in her room, I bought alot alot of stuff for her. I even bothered to always think about her when I'm out shopping for my things. I would think about her when I'm alone at lunch. Every morning first thing i do when i use the com is also to check on her facebook.
Love is so difficult. I dunno if I could have done more if it was other girls. But so far in other r/s i havent. I have committed so much i only save up to buy stuff for her. I even think many times when i want to buy myself something. I wanted to get a belt for a long time and its only 30 dollars. I didnt buy it cos i know i need the money so we could go out and buy stuff. I also havent gone to the cobbler to get another rubber sole.
She felt she was inferior to my family. But she didnt know that i spend much much more time with her than with the whole family. I would go to her place even more than my place. I spend so much more time on her than anyone else. I dont want to end up a slave. But i realise i couldnt even ask her to do things for me. I was expecting her to come meet me for lunch some day in this entire holiday but it was never realised. I even hinted her so obviously i wanted to buy the comic. Its so cheap but she couldnt have the heart to do it. For many months i would get her a little something. This month i saw a key chain digital photo frame. I couldnt get it cos i'm in debt for credit cards and I didnt tell her about it.
I needed freedom to just do my own things and to save on expenses. We previously argued about money and she say I should plan my own finance and not always complain she spend my money. I couldnt talk about it. I know it would sparkle another big fight.
Even this time meeting friends up i had to go discreetly after she goes to sleep. How pathetic. I have grown to keep it so quarrels dont happen.
I loved her. and i continue to do so... I even spent time to go marina square to change her nail polish. I also sacrificed my lunch time to go get her voucher.

Is this what i want ?

Yes i lied. In the first place, I felt like going cos its only in many months that i even meet them up. Moreover, I haven been having fun with my friends much.The week before i went to drink with them.. but becos i know its raining, and i have to go to gf place after that, i took the car. I stayed away from the alcohol and was bored there. this time i didnt even reply shah until i got home. I only felt this anger in my heart that i need to vent. Why isit that everytime i get this attitude ? isit my fault for not sending gf to work ? she says she is asking me not to send her to work .. but whenever i dont, i can see it in her that she isnt happy. I am not happy. For many days in the week, I go to look for gf instead of going home. Thats not the way I wanted it to be. However, for the past year, it has developed into my life. To stay over and go home early in the morning to change and rush off to work. Actually i dont like that. But i know it makes her happy. I needed time to rest cos this is a tiring job. I know i'm fat and needed to go exercise. I always wanted to go gym or exercise after work. That plan had been on hold a long time. gf didnt like going to the gym. I had to stay away unless I went there on my own free time. Weekends are important to her. I would send her to work, go home sleep and go meet her up after her work. I sometimes wished that i could just miss that and stayed home. She could come over.. she dont like to come over too.. its a hassle everytime she had to come over. She repeatedly ask me about marriage and car. If i could afford, I of cos wanted a car. I wanted a car so much since 15. But i know it doesnt quite work out for me till now. I'm poor and i have family committments whether i like it or not. She says its a joke but after many times, its not funny anymore. Getting married is something quite far away and she kept emphasisng that her time is up. I know its envious to see others get married but i feel I'm not ready for it. Financially and emotionally. I remembered it was our 13th month and thus stayed over. I know she didnt sleep well cos i woke up many times too. I feel that she was either having PMS or she was just unhappy with me about the lie. I know i killed the r/s. I wanted to save it too.. but her words pierced me straight and even attempted to make me cry. She said she was no longer going to trust me. With no trust, a r/s cant move on.