Is this what i want ?

Yes i lied. In the first place, I felt like going cos its only in many months that i even meet them up. Moreover, I haven been having fun with my friends much.The week before i went to drink with them.. but becos i know its raining, and i have to go to gf place after that, i took the car. I stayed away from the alcohol and was bored there. this time i didnt even reply shah until i got home. I only felt this anger in my heart that i need to vent. Why isit that everytime i get this attitude ? isit my fault for not sending gf to work ? she says she is asking me not to send her to work .. but whenever i dont, i can see it in her that she isnt happy. I am not happy. For many days in the week, I go to look for gf instead of going home. Thats not the way I wanted it to be. However, for the past year, it has developed into my life. To stay over and go home early in the morning to change and rush off to work. Actually i dont like that. But i know it makes her happy. I needed time to rest cos this is a tiring job. I know i'm fat and needed to go exercise. I always wanted to go gym or exercise after work. That plan had been on hold a long time. gf didnt like going to the gym. I had to stay away unless I went there on my own free time. Weekends are important to her. I would send her to work, go home sleep and go meet her up after her work. I sometimes wished that i could just miss that and stayed home. She could come over.. she dont like to come over too.. its a hassle everytime she had to come over. She repeatedly ask me about marriage and car. If i could afford, I of cos wanted a car. I wanted a car so much since 15. But i know it doesnt quite work out for me till now. I'm poor and i have family committments whether i like it or not. She says its a joke but after many times, its not funny anymore. Getting married is something quite far away and she kept emphasisng that her time is up. I know its envious to see others get married but i feel I'm not ready for it. Financially and emotionally. I remembered it was our 13th month and thus stayed over. I know she didnt sleep well cos i woke up many times too. I feel that she was either having PMS or she was just unhappy with me about the lie. I know i killed the r/s. I wanted to save it too.. but her words pierced me straight and even attempted to make me cry. She said she was no longer going to trust me. With no trust, a r/s cant move on.