useless

i feel so useless.

Darling read the post and got angry at me.
I want to know whats going on and what i had done wrong.
I really dont know how to handle this. Darling said leave her be but how can i leave her alone.
I want to be there. but it seems like i only made things worse...
it feels so miserable to not be able to help and not be able to make her feel better.

can some girl teach me more about girls.... i really am clueless and want to know ..
Am i not understanding enough ? whats wrong with me? how can i improve myself

bad day

fed up and fucked up day for me.

morning had problems at work. Users dont understand the problems at the technical side..
saying last time got ppl do before.. so dont care.. my colleague whom they claim did before must explain then we can do another way.

Afternoon darling phone went flat. was so worried i was going crazy.
literally going crazy cos i cant contact her and she seem to be angry tat i nt going to find her later on. I tot she was ok last night saying today dont meet. But today she was acting like tat. I dont understand. We almost quarrelled even. I know she is feeling unwell and bad lately. But my day had been so bad.. and i was feeling giddy, headache and having stress..
I should say i didnt understand her well enough. I really dont know whats on her mind what she is thinking and what she is going through. To me i was having a bad time and she was at school with her friends. She was upset that i want to go home and do my project becos that would mean i neglect her. I know that.. but i really want to do that project for the money.. I incurred a huge bill on her malaysia trip and i dont want her to feel the burden. I want to improve our life together so i must earn more.
Darling i know if u read this u will be very upset. I just want you to know what i was thinking and feeling. Not that i want to vent the anger on you or this blog. I'm sorry that we turned out this way. i want to know whats going on with you also. I hope we can counter each of our differences and really be happy together. I never thought i would find someone i really think is the one for me. I dont want us to fall apart. Pls !!!! someone help me !!...

Met yew tow after work. Agreed on it the other day so i had to come. I had thoughts of calling it off so i could meet darling but i figured that meeting a primary school classmate whom i have known since primary 1 is rare. A chance that may not come by in many years.

I was really furious and sick just before meeting him cos i was fed up. Darling could tell i was fed up. She say she gave in to me. I just didnt understand y she was having fun with her friends and i had work to do at home, she had something she was not happy about. Wat was on her mind and what was it she wanted ? Undivided attention ? I was finally feeling tired and falling sick cos i had not slept well for many nights already. Only on weekends do i have time to have a good sleep. Darling, remember u used to say love someone you need to sacrifice (xi sheng) ?
I am really trying hard but it is just not good enough. What should i do my darling ?
Teach me what i should do. I know you have high expectations of me even if u didnt say mostly.

After all that's said, i have vent all my frustrations out and i hope we will continue to be fine together.

跑步

今天是新期三, 我还有碍15天才拿工钱. 钱啊,钱啊,钱啊.快点来好吗？我快要撑不住了．
今天时间过得好快,没什么时间闲着.　老板有给我新的任务．是简单的事，可是很费工．
晚上没有约会，所以一放工我就无精打采．
反而我回来看电视，我就在想我应不应该去跑步．
到了９点的时候我还是去了．
不知道为何我竟然跑到她家楼下等．　等了半个小时之后就开始下雨了．
我知道她应该还不会那么快到家吧．我也等不及了．
雨越下越大．我只好一直跑一直跑．很失望可是却没办法．
当中我有在思考，想了很多东西．每当我一个人的时候我都胡思乱想.

我到家,我女朋友也刚好到家了. 随然她知道我有在等她, 她却没反应. 好失望.
还好他还会逗我开心, 让我的心情回负过来.
DARLING.Ｉ LOVE　ＹＯＵ．！　我爱你！

1 month anniversary

The long awaited 14th April. That marks the special day for the both of us.
1st month anniversary. To every couple, this is a mile stone that says this relationship is still in the honeymood period. For us, I feel that this is the beginning of a very stable relationship.

Early morning i went to work as usual. I was anticipating the lunch time period so that i could go off. Its not because i took a half day. However, fate/ chance has it that there was a course everyone has to take so i chose that date. Its situated at bedok so i can meet darling at TP or tampines.
The day was so HOT at lunch time and i walked 20mins to the MRT.. sweating like mad... The label tag was at the shoulder itching and making me uncomfortable..
The mrt ride was ok.. i was playing my PSP throughout .. saw some school girls whom i felt are abit ah lian.. quite glad my darling isnt like that. They even talked about their bf and how they make use of them... Wat the hell right ?? I was quick to reach bedok, but the delay waiting for the bus was bad. Luckily i reached there just before the lecture starts. It ended quickly around an hour.
On the way to meet my darling i took bus 38 which is suppose to terminate at tampines interchange. However i saw simei MRT and i alighted cos it would be definitely faster to take 1 stop of train. In my heart i just couldnt wait to see my darling . I would do anything to get there soon as i could. I reached there and waited. waited. waited and waited. No signs after looking at everyone alight from the buses. Abit disappointed and fed up for rushing and even seeing that Bus 38 terminate... and she haven arrived..

But the moment i saw her, the smile on my face couldnt be contained. I just cant wait to hug and kiss her. But the classmates were all there. I held myself back ,only to hold her hands and give her a kiss when we are moving off.
The gang walked almost half the tampines 1 without really paying attention to any shop at all. They are only more excited to talk about thomas(public class enemy)
We went for Thai Express for dinner. I know i'm down on budget so darling decided to pay for today expenses. We walked around shopping for her Eclipse book (twilight book 3) but we only found little brown pulisher which is not so good.
We then headed to take bus and met the gang at the bus stop. They were going to jalan kayu for tang yan. We went to E hub for a movie. Darling paid for the movie. I kept the tickets thinking this would be a memorable ticket.

We stayed at the arcade for a while. I haven played the arcade for a VERY long time le. I cant remember since when but i just didnt play even if i went in. The last time was the hammer with them at manhatten.

The movie Fast and furious 4 was fantastic. Darling didnt fall asleep this time. She even hug me close when there were some scary scenes. I loved that about her actually. Call me a chauvinist(da nan ren) or zhi lei de... but i just think that its feels great.

We later head down to jalan kayu instead of fisherman for supper.I feel that can help her save money so i think its a better option. Distance is also part of the consideration. i bought the hot tang yuan instead. Stupid me again on our anniversary.
With that i sent her home and was able to catch last bus home.

That sums up my good and happy 1 month anniversary.

Our 36 hours

Exciting day started with a bad plan.
Thought it was thursday morning i got to fetch by my brother.
But things started looking better.
Thursday evening i met darling for a movie.. wanted to catch fast and furious 4 but didnt. Ended up we watch Shinjuku Incident then my bro send us home.
That was just the beginning. Once bro send us home i need to fetch sis and help send farid shoes for the competition. Thus, darling came with me and i send her home after all that. It was about 1+ already.
From 1 + to 4 i used the com, watched some anime and tried to sleep a little. Slept at the sofa and got bit like mad... From 4am, it was the start of my full driving day.
Drove my bro and bennie to yishun, turn back to pick up my darling only to find no parking anywhere at all. Didnt know there was a level b2. It was raining like mad and darling came down..
We only reached home around 5+ and everyone was getting ready to go praying.
Woke up at 10+ and left home at 11+. my original plan was to take mrt cos they are using the car.But instead, mom asked if i wanted to use the car. Since the petrol was low so i went to top up on my way out. Wow..

Drive all the way to sentosa but got lost ALOT.. went around singapore literally (almost) ...
drove like mad .. everywhere .. we only reach around 1+ .. darling was already sad and sian..
We walked around with camera on my neck as though i was a tourist. LOL .. so funny that we are able to catch the dolphin lagoon despite reaching there just on time. (abit late actually)

But good timing, we catch that and took bus to underwater world. happy time spent there.
There really canot buy anything. 2 drinks is 3.50. sha ren fang huo ... LOL ..
After underwater world we wanted to go for lunch le.. But weather not good. We walked all the way from silso point to beach station... Then the rain SUPER HEAVY !!!!
Seeing that there is just too many people there and i think 7.30 the song of the sea likely cancel .. i think suan le... LUCKY is that our car is just parked just below the beach station. Suddenly i am so glad i drove into sentosa. Thank you MOM.

Coming out of sentosa, we drive to vivo for lunch + dinner .. cos its already 5 by then. Went to KimGary cos there the food i just ate on thursday. After lunch we decided to walk the sky park abit .. then go down to henderson wave cos darling wanted to take the nice nice photo again. Not much sunset to see cos of all that clouds and building. But the camera is good. Darling was so happy ... Since we had car we wanted to go as many places as we can. From there, we drive to marina south pier. SUPERB scenery and cooling sea breeze. Romantic and not many people there. I find that its the best place to go relax if u had a car.
From there , we drive to marina barrage. This time we were able to take the fountain with video and pictures with good clearity and sharpness.
Final destination before heading home is East Coast Park for supper. Supper was simple but we ate quite alot too. Mom called and said i need to pick up sis so we just sat a while at east coast and went back to hougang.
We remembered that the whole day we went to many sandy places and we need to wash the car. So we went to Sengkang for a car wash. Sent sis friend home and came home with darling.

We were both too tired once we lie down on the bed we both slept soundly.
Morning i was able to drive her home so she could change and prepare for work.
Time wasnt a big issue cos I was able to drive her to work.

That was the end of the 36 hours from thursday 9.30 when she finishes work until saturday 9.30 when she starts work. Will upload some photos soon.

Everyday Problems

OK. I am here to nag about my problems...
I dont keep problems very well in my heart so i might as well say it all out here.

Problem 1 :
Money. The root of most problems ever to Human(* of this age). This is a particular long month cos i bought my specs, spent more time and money out with darling, took alot of cab. I blame it all on myself for taking so much cab earlier. Now i regret. LOL.
I know darling want to help me but i dont want to even think about using her money. U can call it men's pride(zi zun) but i just dont think its something i shld do. I have 21 days more to pay day.
Thats a full 3 weeks and i really dun have much. Worry much cos i dont think i cant hang out with her that much if thats the case. Or even cant go to many places. That worries me.

Problem 2 :
Love. While she is facing problems with her friends confrontation, i am facing insecurity cos i'm afraid she might not be able to take it and collapse to it. I want to help but i feel so helpless. Is this too soon ? To me i have been single for 3 years + That isnt very soon for me... I really hit it off with her so well we just progress so fast.. stick so close we chat and talk so much. I may not understand her that well yet but i am definitely not one of the guys from before that will abuse her, bully her or even use her money. I even went to the extent of bringing her home, announcing to my whole world. How can a guy who wants to play do all that and leave himself with no other choice to flirt/play around. if any friend hers reading this, i hope this will help clear some mis understanding and ease her problem.

Problem 3 :
Work has been stressful at times. With new things to do its new challenges. I know that I'm no longer new. I want to learn things and i want to get along with the rest. But i dont know what is this barrier between me and them. Everyone seem to be chatting on Inbit but no1 talks to me really. I feel left out and i feel like i am not blending in. Why ? Do i need to watch soccer and play the same game so i blend in ?? How can i improve this work situation ? i need to seriously improve before this project ends so that I can get a better project soon and i can get more experience on programming and this job. I dont want to be stuck like this forever.

worried

worried about money matters.

maybe i'm fallin sick soon. I hope i dont

sunday @ home

Came home pretty early on saturday night. Went to meet her and we went to east coast.
Not a smooth journey. on the journey we talked alot about our transport problem. She seem quite determind to go get a bike license so we could at least travel without worrying about taking cab or distance.
Personally i'm not very into bike and i feel its dangerous with all tat reckless drivers out there.
Its cheap all right. At some point i wanted to take it up too. Its something i can easily afford right now but is it something I should do? I know my family would be a big no no. But its really the most viable option when it comes to money.
At the food court i quickly ordered some food coz i know darling is angry with all that fuss earlier.
After i came back with sugar cane, she feed me straight when i sit down. She said 1st mouth of food goes to me. I replied thank you darling without thinking. It was sweet and no1 ever did that before.
Darling took a while before she asked me to guess her expected reaction. She tot i would be so touched and say that she was the first to ever do that. That was true but stupid me just didnt think about it at the moment of time.
Realised that UOB is really not friendly. Anywhere i go i dont see any ATM for UOB at all.
I ought to get a POSB once i get my pay. I hope my pay will be enough for me to put in enough money and let me save a little. UOB will become my savings account.

We walked, chatted and sat at the beach for quite a while.. Fun time flies as always.
It started to drizzle and we wanted to look for a cab. Damm its difficult to even find a cab.
I know darling doesnt like me to spurge on cab coz tat means we would have less to spend on.
I had been spending more than 100 on taxi already.
She reached home first and she was so tired she fell asleep.
I went through my finance and was planning for next friday.Not much promo on the things i wanted to go but i know thats what she had wanted.

Sunday morning i was awaken by her sms. Seeing that she is heading into malaysia and i am going to stay home. A little sad coz thats 1 day without her. Had some toilet runs just the moment i started blogging. Must have been those east coast food court things. 1st thing comes to my mind is my darling having stomachache as well ? Worry for her and she is way in malaysia.
Haven heard any sms from her since she left at around 10.
I know i miss her so i used the time to look at the camera guide book and find out how to use the different modes. Guide book didnt tell me alot. I'm going to search online instead.

Words of Appreciation are always wanted

Talking to darling about some other people relationship and i cant help but feel...
Its really never too much to appreciate your partners. With couples few years old, they usually stop saying words of caring and concern. This will slowly drift the relation as everything is taken for granted.

For the past few days, its been great. Life with her has made me think alot into the future.
Though it did worry both of us and we did talk about it.. we can never tell the future and we can only hold hand in hand to overcome any obstacles that come our way.
Friday night was dreamy and it was a sweet dream. darling gave me assignments to do lor...
Saturday i got 2 things to do... 1st is to transfer PSP games from her hard disk (inside alot of stuffs... see until luan.. some good some bad)
then i have to learn how to use the FujiFilm S1500 FinePix camera.. its her new camera bought by a friend michelle.

Its complicated... not so easy to use ley.. esp auto mode changes according to the lighting it receives.
So I have to learn how to use manual and shutter mode so that pictures will really turn out better at night. This cam is chosen coz of its capabilities at night.

Work has been all right. I just hope that this project have taught me enough to handle the next project. I really want to jump into doing audit or security related projects so that it will be beneficial for my career.

Brought my darling home the other day and my family seems happy bout it.Everyone seem to have accepted her with a smile. Its a good sign and i hope this continues to get better.
Her family side i am abit skeptical. We shall see how things goes.